Popularity: -2
Vote:   | And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel. |
Popularity: -1
Vote: | And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.' |
Popularity: 0
Vote: | Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. |
Popularity: 1
Vote: | But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. |
Popularity: -1
Vote: | But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite...... ... one jar. |
Popularity: 0
Vote: | I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one'. |
Popularity: 1
Vote: | I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy. |
Popularity: 0
Vote: | I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down. |
Popularity: 1
Vote: | Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets. |
Popularity: 2
Vote: | Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds. |
Popularity: -1
Vote: | Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet. |
Popularity: 0
Vote: | So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' |
Popularity: 1
Vote: | So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray. |
Popularity: -1
Vote: | So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' |
Popularity: 1
Vote: | So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again". |
Popularity: -1
Vote: | So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' |
Popularity: -1
Vote: | So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". |
Popularity: 1
Vote: | So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". |
Popularity: -1
Vote: | So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' |
Popularity: -1
Vote: | So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.' |
Popularity: 1
Vote: | So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". |
Popularity: 0
Vote: | So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red. |
Popularity: 0
Vote: | So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". |
Popularity: 2
Vote: | You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice. |
Popularity: 0
Vote: | You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. |
Popularity: -2
Vote: | You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. |